


poppin' pills is all we know

by thekardemomme



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Banter, Isak has game, Light Angst, Lust at First Sight, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-25 22:24:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9849056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekardemomme/pseuds/thekardemomme
Summary: au in which Even comes into the bathroom instead of Emma





	1. don't you let out that antidote

**Author's Note:**

> [ inspiration](http://stardefiant.tumblr.com/post/157460338749/one-of-the-talented-writers-in-this-fandom-the)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> title from antidote by Travis Scott

Isak takes a drag from the makeshift bong, holding in the smoke as long as his lungs will allow before attempting smoke rings (and failing, miserably). Jonas snorts, “You've been trying to blow smoke rings for 2 years now, Isak, what the hell. Why can't you do it yet?”

And Isak snorts back, “Fuck you, you try it.” He passes the water bottle bong over and watches as Jonas produces a series of smoke rings varying in size, and Isak refuses to give him the satisfaction of an eye roll. “Whatever. That just proves you're a stoner. A druggie.” He snatches the bong back before Magnus can get to it. 

Mahdi sighs, leaning back against the tub. “Nah, bro, it just proves that you're a noob,” he laughs, and Magnus cracks up. “What are _you_ laughing at, dumbass?” Mahdi asks, addressing the blonde boy shoved in the corner. “You've had a coughing fit nearly every hit you've taken.”

“Because I'm not a juvenile delinquent,” Magnus shoots back, picking at the laces on his shoes. 

“Tell that to your shoebox of detention slips,” Jonas cracks, and all the boys erupt in laughter. It's not that funny, but all of them are stoned and a little tipsy, so it seems like the funniest thing in the world. “There's so many hot chicks here, man. Fuck.”

“Then why aren't you out there hooking up with them?” Isak asks, passing the bong to Mahdi as he exhales the smoke through his nose. 

“Not everyone has as much game as you, bro.”

Isak rolls his eyes. “I don't have game. I just didn't care,” he mumbles. He'd come out just a few months earlier, at the start of the summer; when Jonas had caught him looking at a guy for way too long. Since then, it wasn't something he just announced to everyone, but he didn't hide it either. 

Magnus's eyes widen. “What the fuck, you didn't care? Everyone says I'm desperate. Why aren't you out there hooking up with chicks, then, bro?”

“I'm gay,” Isak says simply, passing the bong along the line back to Jonas. 

“What the fuck. You're a fag?”

Jonas lets out a noise of indignation, pulling his mouth off of the bong. “Fuck off, bro. If you're going to be homophobic then you can get out of here before I kick your ass,” he chokes around his hold on the smoke. 

“I'm not a homophobe, chill,” Magnus groans, snatching the bong from Jonas. He coughs almost immediately, and hands it back. 

The door opens, and a blonde girl walks in. Jonas leans forward, “Oi, close the door, what the fuck.”

“I have to pee,” the girl mumbles, closing the door behind her. 

“Yeah, but close the door.”

The girl drops her panties and sits down, and Isak takes a hit from the bong. As soon as he attempts more smoke rings, the door opens again. This time, however, a boy walks in. Isak chokes at the mere sight of him; tall, lanky, a long column of a neck that Isak would die to see hickies on, blue eyes that Isak could drown in, teeth so sharp that, in his inebriated state, he almost moans at them (from the pure fantasy of having those teeth sink into his neck, just a little). Jonas laughs, because Isak doesn't choke on weed, ever. But here Isak is, doubling over with coughs and wiping at tears. 

The boy doesn't seem to notice. “Lea, you can't just leave me out there. That boy was such a fucking nerd,” he mumbles, locking the door behind him and digging around in the cabinets. 

Jonas nudges Isak's side. “Go for it, bro,” he encourages. Isak blushes, embarrassed, but then Mahdi is encouraging him too. Was he that obviously interested? He passes the bong to Mahdi and leans forward. 

“What are you looking for?” Isak asks, and the boy looks up with a face of confusion. “This is my friend's house, Eva. I probably know where she keeps her shit, if you tell me what you're looking for.”

The boy leans against the counter, raising his eyebrows challengingly. “We went to a party a few weeks ago, got these oblong blue pills.” He nods his head at the girl who's now flushing the toilet. “I think they're these.” He produces a box, and Isak lifts himself out of the tub. 

“These are Zyrtec,” Isak says, taking the box from the boy and giving him a weird look. “They are allergy pills. They'll make you...tired. If you want some good shit, I think I might be able to help.”

“Oh? Why would I accept pills from someone I don't know?” The boy asks, but there's light dancing in his eyes. Isak wants to take that light, roll it in a joint and smoke it until it floods his lungs and his veins. “You could be poisoning me, for all I know.”

Isak raises his eyebrows. “And you could be a thief. Rifling through someone else's cabinets for drugs. How do I know you're not going to lure me home with you and rob me?”

“What makes you think I'd take you home? I'm not even into guys.”

“You were talking about a boy you were with, and your friend here,” he nods at the girl who'd barged in, “didn't even flinch when you walked in on her.”

“Maybe she's my girlfriend.”

Isak rolls his eyes. “If that's true, you must keep her on a very loose leash. Considering you didn't bat an eye when you realized she was pissing in front of four stoned guys.” Even gives him an impressed look, and Isak smirks at him, feeling rather smug. Maybe he did have game. Or maybe it was the weed. “What's your name?”

“Even. And I'm really not gay, I'm bisexual.”

“I'm Isak. I really am gay. I'm in second year.”

“Third.”

“There. Now we're not strangers.” He pulls a pack of pills out of his pocket, holding them up. “No charge. This time.” He pops one out of the plastic, and Even holds out his hand. Isak rolls his eyes again, and then sticks his tongue out and places it there. 

The light returns to Even's eyes as he smiles, stepping minutely closer. “You've got some balls,” he says quietly, and Isak sticks his tongue out further, placing another pill on. “Also presumptuous. You're lucky you're insanely fucking hot. I've been watching you all goddamn night, you know.” Isak doesn't get the chance to react before Even is crashing their lips together. 

Isak doesn't notice as the boys and Lea leave the bathroom, doesn't care. Even backs him up against the counter, licking into his mouth like he's chasing something other than the pills. He pulls back, resting his forehead against Isak's gently. “I meant it, you know. Been watching you all night. Kept trying to talk to you, but you disappeared.” Even puts his hand in Isak's hair and tugs experimentally, grins when Isak groans in appreciation. ”Who'd have fucking guessed I'd come across the hottest fucking guy in Oslo smoking in a bathtub? I almost didn't come out tonight.”

“I'm glad you did,” Isak breathes, tilting his chin to ask for a kiss. Even obliges, the kiss even messier and more passionate this time. Isak gets lifted onto the counter, and feels Even's smile when he locks his legs around Even's waist. 

“Me too,” Even pants, backing away to lock the door before coming back over, and leaning down to mark Isak's neck.


	2. cause I'm a fool for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by popular demand :)
> 
> chapter title from fool for you by zayn
> 
> I hope you guys like it haha!

Isak wakes up the next morning, tangled up in Even's sheets. His skin is sticky with dried sweat and his head hurts from the hangover. That doesn't compare, however, to how his throat constricts when he realizes that Even had cuddled up to him in the night. What the fuck. What the fuck. What is he supposed to do, with this insanely hot guy wrapped around him, this insanely hot guy he barely knows? Fuck.

He doesn't even know this boy's surname, much less where the fuck he is, considering they'd gone back to Even's. Fuck. He slowly peels himself away, much to his dismay. He'd rather stay, curl into Even's chest and pretend this was something more than a hookup. But it isn't more, it's never more. And he doesn't want to see the look on Even's face when he sees Isak soberly, when he tells Isak to leave as politely as he can.

Climbing down Even's ladder almost results in a fall, but thankfully he catches himself and Even is still asleep. He dresses himself, pockets his phone and his pills and then leaves out the bedroom door. He's about to pass through the kitchen when he sees a middle aged couple sitting at the table. Fuck, what the fuck. Even lives with his parents, what the fuck? What the fuck.

Isak presses himself against the wall, taking a few deep breaths. He has to pass by the kitchen's entryway without them seeing or hearing. Fuck. He peeks around the corner to verify they're not looking, and then darts towards the door. He hears a faint, “Even?” called after him but he ignores it, slipping on his shoes and running. He sprints the entire way down the sidewalk, the sun barely above the rooftops.

When he arrives back at home, Noora is making breakfast. She raises her eyebrows at him, smirking a bit. “Fun night?” She asks, and Isak sighs heavily.

“You could say so.” He takes off his shoes and hangs up his coat, walking into the kitchen. “I wasn't aware last night, though, that the guy lives with his fucking parents.”

“Oh my god.”

“I almost killed myself running out.”

“Did they see you?”

Isak shakes his head. “They heard me, but they thought I was him. I don't know.” He scrubs his hands over his face. “Will you make me some? I'll buy you more eggs to replace them. I need to go take a shower.”

“Sure,” Noora nods, “and don't worry about the eggs.”

Isak heads down the hallway, stepping into the bathroom. He takes a quick shower and then goes to his bedroom to change clothes. He walks into his bedroom, towel around his waist, to find Eskild perched on his bed. He jumps, startled. “What the hell. What are you doing?”

“We need to talk,” Eskild says seriously.

“I'm very naked right now.”

“Nothing I haven't seen before.”

“Eskild.”

“What?”

“ _Eskild_.”

“Fine, jeez.” Eskild turns around and Isak dresses quickly, before joining the older boy on the bed and asking him what's up. “I'm a bit worried about you. Ever since you've come out you've stopped taking care of yourself and–”

Isak sighs, “I don't need another rant about how lazy I am, that'd be the third time this week.”

“That's not what I'm talking about, shut up.” Eskild frowns. “You go out every weekend and get fucked up, and either stumble home at dawn or have some boy leave here at dawn. I'm worried about it.”

“I'm 17.”

“That's my point. You're 17 and you're still a little baby gay. I'm worried about you being safe and not hurting yourself. AIDS is a real problem in the gay community, like, sex is fun and all and you should have fun but... How much fun is too much fun? I don't want you to become jaded to things like sexual abuse or the threat of AIDS. All it takes is one time without a condom and–”

“I know, Eskild,” he says, exasperated but still kind because he knows Eskild is only trying to help. “I always use condoms.”

“Look, just be careful. And maybe take it easy every now and then? I don't want to be identifying your body in a ditch one day after a Craigslist hookup gone wrong.”

Isak snorts. “I don't think you'll have to worry about that, Eskild. Thanks.” He crawls further back on his bed. “I'm going to take a nap. I didn't get much sleep. Will you tell Noora to wake me up when she's done making breakfast?”

Eskild winks, “Noora was right then. Fun night.”

“You could say that.”

Eskild leaves and Isak burrows into his covers, putting Even out of his mind.

 

*

 

He can't get Even out of his mind. It's been 6 days and he sees Even around every corner at school, all of a sudden. He'd never even noticed the tall boy before, and now that they had, he couldn't un-notice him. It was highly inconvenient, for his studies and his wellbeing.

Jonas gives him a weird look after catching Isak staring across the cafeteria at Even. “He's been showing up a lot,” Jonas notes. “A lot more than usual. Like he's stalking you or something. I've got to say, I thought you two would be more than a one night stand. He seems like your type.”

“I wasn't aware I had a type,” Isak mumbles, picking the raisins out of raisin bread.

“You didn't. But if I had to imagine your type, it'd be Even. He's a nice guy, really funny. He's creative, too, like–”

“You know him?” Isak asks, and Jonas nods hesitantly. “What the fuck.”

“He's in my media class,” Jonas defends. “He's a transfer from Elvebakken. We had these short films due the other day and he did his on Islam, it was so cool.”

Isak just blinks. “What the fuck.”

“Chill,” Jonas says, rolling his eyes. “What happened, though? Between you two.”

“We hooked up and I left in the morning.”

“Uh, why? He seemed into you.”

“He was drunk and high.”

“So were you, but you're still into him. And I think him stalking you might have some indication that he likes you. He was never on social media, he's mentioned that in class. But he recently made a new Instagram and went onto all of our instagrams, mine and Eva's and all, and liked all of our pictures that had you in it. Eva thinks it's the cutest thing,” Jonas laughs. “I thought he had a girlfriend, though.”

Isak bites into the, now raisin free, bread. “Why did you think that? Did him making out with me in front of you not persuade you?” He teases, and Jonas rolls his eyes.

“He's mentioned some girl a lot in class. I don't remember her name, started with an S I think. Someone from Elvebakken.” Jonas shrugs. “But all things considered, I guess I was wrong.”

Isak looks up, catches Even already staring at him. They make intense eye contact for a few moments before Isak tears his eyes away. “I guess you were.” He doesn't get to say more because then Mahdi and Magnus are sitting down, talking animatedly about some girl Magnus had hooked up with at the party with a cat tongue. They make a few jokes, talk about going down on girls, et cetera. Vilde comes over eventually, with Sana and Eva.

She talks about kosegruppa, some group she wants all of them to join and come to the meeting for. Isak wouldn't, wouldn't ever dream of going, except that he sort of lost Mahdi's weed while leaving with Even and now Sana had it, and was blackmailing him into going. So, he eagerly agrees and encourages all of them to join. They look at him with mixed faces of confusion, but then Sana makes a weed joke, and everyone understands.

That's how Isak finds himself at a Kosegruppa meeting that Friday night, waiting on Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus. He watches the door eagerly for them, knowing that Jonas would be walking through any minute.

When the door opens next, though, it's Even that walks in. Isak ducks his head almost immediately, glancing back up to see Even staring straight at him. Fuck. Maybe Jonas was right, maybe Even is stalking him. Okay, probably not, because Isak isn't worth being stopped when all he does is watch Narcos, game, go to school, and get fucked up at parties. He has no life outside of that, at least not an interesting one, unless he wanted to sell his backstory to Hollywood or something. Other than that, however, he had nothing for a stalker to feed off of. So that was pretty unlikely.

Even takes a bun from Vilde, and walks straight towards Isak. Isak keeps his eyes trained on his phone, cursing Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi for not getting here early enough. He's hyper aware of his surroundings, knows exactly where Even sits – right behind him. He takes a deep breath and sits up straight, working to appear unaffected. It works for the most part, and he relaxes a little when Jonas walks in.

Jonas sits next to Isak, pretending not to notice Even. “Hey, bro, sorry I'm late,” he apologizes, then looks around. “Where are the other boys?”

“Fucking around somewhere else,” Isak mumbles, adjusting his snapback. “I just want to get this over with so I can get Mahdi his weed back.”

“Honestly. Vilde takes this shit way too seriously. This revue shit?” Jonas shakes his head, leaning back. “She's sweet, though.”

“Back off, Magnus will freak the fuck out on you if he hears you talking about his girl like that.”

“She's not his girl,” Jonas mumbles. “They're not together. He doesn't have possession over her or anything.”

“Okay, chill, I was joking. Relax.” Isak cracks his neck, and smiles a little bit when he sees Mahdi and Magnus come in. They take buns from Vilde and then come sit with him and Jonas, and they all talk until Vilde talks.

Vilde sounds nervous, and Isak starts to feel a little bad for making fun of her. This kosegruppa clearly meant a lot to her, and here they were, blackmailed into coming through Sana and her possession of Mahdi's drugs. He makes a conscious effort to sit up straighter and make it appear that he's listening better.

That is, until she brings up the love game. Isak declares at that. “What we're going to do,” Vilde chirps, “is we're all going to sit in a circle and Sana and Eva will take polaroids of everyone really quick. We'll paste those photos to an envelope with your name on it. Everyone will get slips of paper. And we'll pass the envelopes around. When you get the envelopes, you write down a compliment on a slip of paper and put it in their envelope. So if I get an envelope with Eva's name on it, for example, then I'll write down a compliment about Eva, physical or personality, and put it in her envelope. Once your envelope has made it to everyone, we'll open them and read the lovely compliments! Not out loud, or anything. Unless we call on you to share one.” She grins and nods for Eva to start passing out envelopes and Sharpies. “Everyone please write your first and last name on the _left _side of the envelope, your photo will go on the right!”__

__Isak scribbles down his name, sighing and laughing a bit with Jonas and Mahdi. Magnus seemed to be into the idea, which, of course he would be. Sana cycles around to take the photos, and Isak tries not to stare too much as he watches Even pose for his._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos & comments appreciated, let me know if you want me to continue?? xoxox


	3. it's an unusual feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> caption from I Can't Keep From Loving You by Andrew James

“This is fucking stupid,” Jonas mumbles from his spot on the floor next to Isak as they use glue sticks to put the Polaroid pictures on the envelopes. “I hope Mahdi's weed is fucking worth it.”

“Shh,” Sana says from behind them, and Isak rolls his eyes where she can't see it. Or, at least, where he thinks she can't see it. Turns out she did see it, because she thumps him in the back of the head. 

“Sana!” Vilde shrieks. “That's not how a kosegruppa boss would act!”

Sana sighs, “Fine. Sorry.” She gives Isak and Jonas a threatening look before going to stand by the girls. 

They all get in a circle, lots of them (considering most of the group is made up of eager first years) actually looking excited. The third and second years are all more bored looking, but Isak thinks that he's the only one that is genuinely dreading this. There's a girl across the room who keeps eyeing him, and a boy, too. But the boy is Even, and the girl... Isak doesn't know. 

“Everyone pass your envelopes to the left!” Eva announces. Isak gets Jonas's envelope, and he writes some bullshit sentence about his eyebrows. “Don't forget to sign your name at the bottom of your compliment!”

He keeps writing sentences, as nice as he can and always being honest because, lets be real, everyone knows the difference between a genuine compliment and a compliment that's said out of nicety. Technically all of these are obligatory, but that doesn't mean they can't be genuine. After exactly 21 compliments, he gets his envelope back. Sana says that they can open the envelopes and look, so Isak does. 

 

_I like your eyes, they're so green! –Vilde Hellerud Lien_

_You're like really tall? –Magnus Fossbakken_

_You're a good friend, who goes to good lengths to make things up to a bro. Respect. –Mahdi Disi_

_I love your hair –Kjersti Holm_

_Your jumper belongs on a runway (see me after the meeting and tell me where you bought it PLEASE) –Elise Pedersen_

_You seem like a nice guy –Nils Olsen_

_You're the best bro, you give the best advice and you're a great smoking buddy. Love you Issy. –Jonas Noah Vasquez_

_You're really hot –Emma Larzen_

_You're an ok biology partner –Sana Bakkoush_

_You're a pretty cool guy :p –Eva Mohn_

 

He smiles at pretty much all of the compliments, from his friends and otherwise. They're all kind and boost his ego a bit, and he can tell that everybody was pretty much feeling the same way. He reads through a couple more before finding the one he's been wanting to read. 

 

_I really admire your confidence and your intelligence. Also, you're really hot, especially while you sleep. –Even Bech Næsheim_

 

Isak feels himself turn bright red as he reads it over and over again. He looks up at Even, gives him a small smile. Even smiles back, winking at him. Isak can't help but smile a bit wider, putting it in his pocket so he doesn't lose it. He puts all the other papers back in except for Magnus's, because that's the one he wants to read if one of the girls calls on him to read one out loud. 

Eva stands. “Okay, everyone. Lets start with.. Kjersti, read one of yours,” she nods. 

Kjersti opens her slip. “ _I really like your makeup, especially that lipstick. What shade is it?_ And that's from Sana. It's from Butter London, in the shade Daring.” 

Sana thanks her, and Eva smiles. “Okay... Emma, you're next.”

Emma grins, and gives Isak a quick glance before clearing her throat. “ _You remind me a lot of Natalie Portman, you're really pretty._ From Isak Valtersen.” She grins at him again and Isak coughs awkwardly. Okay, she clearly hadn't heard that he was gay. 

“Jonas?”

Jonas taps his knee against Isak's, giving him a small nod. “ _You're one of the nicest guys I've ever met, because you're always offering to fight anyone who gives me shit for being gay._ That's from Isak.” Jonas slings his arm around Isak's shoulders and Isak leans into it. That's not what Isak wrote, actually, he actually got a bit sappy and told Jonas he loved him (like Jonas did for him), but he appreciates what Jonas just did for him. Emma isn't looking at Isak anymore, she's just blushing and staring at her feet. 

“You're popular, Isak,” some third year says. 

Isak shrugs, “I have a heart of gold, what can I say?” The circle laughs as Eva moves through a couple more people, eventually turning to Even and asking him to read. Isak's heart starts pounding in his chest. 

“ _You're really creative, and I love that about you. Your drawings are amazing, I saw them on your wall. I hope that's not creepy,_ ” Even reads, smiling a bit. “From the infamous Isak.”

Eva laughs. “I think, since Isak is so popular amongst the group, we should have him be the last to share. Isak?” And okay, fuck Eva. Seriously. Fuck Eva. Why would she do this to him? What he did was really shitty last year, but not shitty enough to be put through this hell. 

Isak sighs, opening Magnus's. He can clearly see Even's hopeful face, and he knows that Even wants him to read his, to acknowledge him. And Isak would, honestly he would, if it didn't allude to them having sex. “You're like really tall, with a question mark. From Magnus Fossbakken,” he reads, and the whole circle laughs as Jonas and Mahdi tease him a bit. 

“Okay,” Sana says loudly, shutting everybody up very quickly. “You can keep your envelopes, but we have one more activity. Since we will be working in duos, we want you all to get to know each other. But since it's fairly obvious most of you will just pair up with your friends, we've decided to stir the pot and so we'll be putting you in pairs by drawing your names out of a bowl.”

Eva comes forward with a bowl of names, and she calls them out. Magnus and Kjersti, Jonas and Nils, Emma and Marie, Mahdi and Elise. All of his friends were taken by the time Eva draws his name. “Isak and....Even.”

Isak turns to look at Jonas, who gives him a supporting pat on the back. “Just be chill,” Jonas whispers, and Isak nods. “Good luck.”

Even crosses the room to stand next to Isak, and Vilde explains that they'll be interviewing each other, and that everyone has a separate sheet of questions. Sana passes those out, along with pencils. Vilde then informs them that they'll be introducing their partner to the group. Awesome. 

Isak and Even take a seat on the steps, towards the back of the room. They sit across from each other so they can make better eye contact. “You go first,” Even nods, so Isak looks down at his five questions. 

“What's your favorite memory?” He asks dubiously. What the hell kinds of questions were these? Isak feels like he's back in primary school, when the teachers handed out Get to Know Your Classmates Bingo and forced him to walk around and ask every child in his class if they liked broccoli or if they'd ever lived somewhere other than Norway. 

Even hums. “When I was younger, my parents and I took a holiday to Svalbard. We saw the Northern Lights, and we sat out in the freezing cold to watch them while my dad was ice fishing. It was awesome,” he nods, and Isak writes down a brief summary of that. 

“What's your dream job and why?”

“A director,” Even says immediately, “because making films is my favorite thing. I feel like it's the easiest way to express myself, because like, I'm in control, you know?”

Isak doesn't know, but he nods anyway. He's never made a film, or anything. “Like I said, really creative. That's awesome.” Even gives him a big smile, and Isak is so flustered that he has to move on. “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?” He chuckles a bit after he reads the question. “Sana must be smoking that weed with the girls if these are the sorts of questions they came up with, fuck.”

“Huh?” Even asks. But Isak just shakes his head and repeats the question. “Uh, rape, probably. Rape, race, and sex. Sex as in gender, not sex as in sexual intercourse.”

“I knew what you meant.” Isak scribbles down those three bullet points and then looks up at Even. “Sexual intercourse? Really?”

“I could've said coitus.”

Isak wrinkles his nose. “You're weird. Okay, next question. If you could've witnessed one event in history, what would it be?”

Even thinks for a long time, seeming to sort through his mind. Isak doesn't doubt that Even probably has a mental list of historical events he wishes he could've been apart of. Even seems like that sort of person, the type of person who loves history and art and philosophy. “Jesus’s resurrection,” he decides, and Isak slowly writes it down. 

“Last one. If money was no object, what would you do?”

“Fund loads of charities. Cancer research and stuff. Probably buy my Mamma a house and a car. But the charity thing, mostly. Cancer and battered women's shelters and homeless shelters and refugee camps.”

“What a saint.” Isak writes that down and puts the paper aside, tilting his chin up at Even challengingly. “Hit me. I'm ready to answer these like a contestant in a beauty pageant.”

Even smiles, and Isak feels drunk on the way Even is looking at him. “You're a beauty pageant fan, then?”

“I doubt that's a question on there, Even. So I'd like to politely request that you stick to the script.”

“My apologies,” Even laughs, and looks down at his paper. “What's your zodiac sign?”

“Uh... I don't know? My birthday is 21 June.”

Even nods, writing it down. “Gemini, then. Cool. Okay... Who's your best friend and what do you like best about him/her?”

Isak smiles a bit at this, his gaze sliding over to Jonas. Jonas is laughing at something Nils is saying, tipping back and almost falling out of a chair. “My best friend is Jonas. And my favorite thing about him is probably...his kindness, I guess? He's always willing to listen and help me out when I need it, like when I came out as gay. He was the first person I came out to, like, really came out to. And he helped me come out to everyone else. So. Yeah, probably his kindness.”

Even writes it down and then gives Isak a smile so soft, it feels like it should be private. Isak nearly looks around to make sure no one else saw it, it felt that private and fond. “He's a good friend, then. Coming out is hard.” He gives Isak another smile before looking down at the paper again. “What's your favorite thing about your family life?”

That's when Isak's heart drops. Fuck. “Um. I don't really have one.” At Even's questioning glance, Isak squirms. “I, uh. My parents are separated and, like, I moved out this summer. I don't speak to my Mamma, my Pappa, or my sister. So. I don't really have a family life,” he mumbles. “Just put that my Pappa was supportive of me coming out.”

Even looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn't, instead just nodding and writing down what Isak says. Isak wants to cry a bit, and not because of the mention of his family, but because he didn't see one inkling of pity in Even's eyes. Everyone always pitied Isak for not having a good home life, and it's more refreshing than Isak could've ever imagined to find someone who doesn't pity him. It's liberating, in a way, to not feel so patronized. 

The older boy clears his throat. “What's the best way for you to spend a Saturday morning?”

“Sleeping in late, eating breakfast with my roommates, and then going over to Jonas's to play FIFA or skateboard or watch films.”

“And, finally – If you could go anywhere in the world right now, would it be to a where or a who?” Even asks gently. Flashes of Isak's mother's episodes go through Isak's head, flashes of his dad's screaming, flashes of him and his sister under his duvet crying. 

He sighs, picking at his jeans. “A where,” he says quietly. “Somewhere far, and tropical. Like Bali or Fiji or something.”

Even smiles, ”I bet the tropics looks good on you.”

“I burn, never tan.”

“What Norwegian tans?”

“Fair,” Isak chuckles. After a couple of minutes, they all return to the circle and they start calling groups up. Jonas gets the opportunity to talk about capitalism, and Magnus manages to worm his story about the cat-tongue girl into his introduction (his poor partner looked mortified while reciting Magnus's story). Emma keeps giving Isak the sad side-eye, and Isak almost feels like he needs to apologize for being gay. But he doesn't, obviously. 

Vilde calls him and Even up, and they stand in front of the group. “Uh, I'll start. This is Even Bech Næsheim, he's a third year, and he's a transfer from Elvebakken. Um.” Isak looks down at his paper and clears his throat, “Even's favorite childhood memory is going to Svalbard on holiday with his parents and seeing Aurora Borealis. His dream job is to be a director because he likes to feel in control of his creativity. Uh, he feels that rape, race, and gender are things that are too serious to be joked about. If he could experience any historical event, it'd be Jesus's resurrection. And, if money was no object, he'd spend his money funding charities for things like cancer research, battered women, and the homeless.”

Everyone claps for Even, and Isak gulps a bit as Even lifts his paper. “This is Isak Valtersen, he's in second year, and he clearly gives the best compliments out of everyone here.” A few people politely laugh at his lame joke, but the rest just stare ahead. “His zodiac sign is a Gemini, which is pretty damn obvious if you ask me, but whatever. His best friend is Jonas, and his favorite thing about Jonas is his kindness, because of how supportive he was of Isak coming out and with helping him out when he needed it.” Jonas blows Isak a kiss and Isak rolls his eyes, subtly flipping him off. “His favorite thing about his family life was his Pappa's support of him coming out–”

“Shit,” Eva curses, and everyone turns to look at her. She blushes and waves for Even to continue on, so he does. 

“Um, Isak's ideal Saturday morning is sleeping in late, eating breakfast with his roommates, and then hanging out with Jonas. And if he could go anywhere in the world, he would go somewhere tropical like Fiji or Bali.” Everyone claps as Even and Isak sit down and the next group goes up. 

After the meeting, Isak collects his things and talks to Jonas about plans to go skateboarding tomorrow afternoon. He notices Even standing awkwardly behind Magnus, and when Even catches him looking, the older boy tries to step forward and talk to him. But then Isak is being pulled back by his arm, and Isak turns to see it's Eva pulling him to a secluded spot around the corner. 

Eva sighs. “I'm so sorry about that family life question. That's so fucking awkward and insensitive of us to give you that question,” she apologizes earnestly. 

Isak smiles comfortingly, ”it's okay. Honestly. Don't be sorry, it's no big deal.”

“But–”

“Eva, I promise,” Isak murmurs. “It's all okay. There's no way you could've known I'd get that one. Besides, all of the questions were a bit weird.”

Eva laughs. “Vilde came up with them. She got them off of some primary school instructor's Pinterest boards.”

“I _knew_ it reminded me of primary school!” Isak exclaims, and Eva giggles. It makes Isak nostalgic for old times, when he and Eva were closer. “Anyways, uh, yeah. Don't worry about it. Thanks for having me tonight, this was fun.”

“Yeah, thanks for coming,” Eva nods, patting Isak's arm before walking off. Isak sighs, taking a couple of deep breaths before going to Sana to get the fucking weed back. 

This time, Even stops him with a grip on his arm. Isak smiles a bit, turning to face him. “I, uh. I have a confession,” Even murmurs, and Isak raises his eyebrows. “I didn't actually join the kosegruppa to have fun. I joined so I could talk to you. And, like, Eva put us in a group together on purpose. Because I asked her to help me get to know you better.”

Isak fights a smile. He wants to make Even squirm a bit. “That's a bit creepy, Even,” he says, his teasing tone betraying his serious expression. 

Even clearly catches on to the fact that Isak is just taking the piss. “What can I say, man. I'm a sucker for hot boys,” he says casually, and Isak feels his heart beat a million times faster. ”Are you telling me that you came here for a good time? There has to be an ulterior motive.”

“Excuse me,” Isak scoffs, “my friends and I came here because Eva, Vilde, and Sana are our friends.” Even gives him a look and Isak laughs. “Fine, fine. I had Mahdi's weed at Eva's party last week, and when I went home with you I dumped it at Eva's. Sana saw me do it, and she has the weed now. She said she'd only give it back if we all came to the meeting.”

“That sounds more like the Isak I know,” Even grins, and Isak steps closer, tilting his chin up challengingly. Even is so fucking confident, that familiar spark in his eyes. Isak never wants to look away. 

“What do you know about me? We hardly know each other.”

Even smirks a bit, looking down at Isak. His expression is smug but Isak can see the familiar light in Even's eyes, and he never wants Even to stop looking at him like that. “I know plenty of things about you. I know how to make you moan, and cry, and scream–”

Isak cuts him off by looping his arms around the taller boy's neck and pressing their lips together. Even immediately responds, his hands finding Isak's hips. There's a few whistles, undoubtedly from Jonas and Mahdi, so Isak flips them off behind Even's head. 

When Isak pulls back, Even pouts a bit but lets him. “Can I get your number?” Even asks, smiling a bit. Isak laughs and nods, and they exchange numbers. “Go get your weed. I'd hate to interrupt a hero on a quest.”


	4. i'd rather be black and blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the only sad chapter of this fic I hope!!!
> 
> Trigger warnings:  
> • non-descript non-explicit sexual situation (brief)  
> • brief description of a panic attack  
> • description of a manic episode
> 
> I don't have bipolar disorder but I did my research and used stuff from the show so I hope it's accurate! If not, I'm only human so pls tell me (kindly) :) 
> 
> Enjoy!! (Or at least try to? I hope it's not too sad :p)
> 
> title from the quiet by Troye sivan

Isak skips school the next Thursday. He honestly can't be bothered with maths, anyway. He's thinking about his mother, who is apparently not doing well, and his father, who's doing too well. He's thinking about his rent that's due tomorrow, but there's only 2,000kr in his bank account. He's thinking about Even, too, just a little, in the back of his mind. Because he's seen Even throughout the school week. He's waved to him, said a passing hello, sat with him at lunch, and sent stupid text messages all week. They've never failed to make him smile, which is a blessing from the god that Isak doesn't believe in. 

He's sulked in bed all day, crying just a little when he was sure Eskild was out because he was so fucking stressed. Linn had made him tea, which he'd been thankful for, but it sat cold on his nightstand for going on 4 hours now. Jonas had texted him a few times, and Magnus had even sent him a selfie on snapchat of him with a sad face, pointing to the empty chair next to him in English, the chair that Isak usually occupied. Isak sends back a simple black screen with a yellow heart, which Magnus hadn't yet opened. 

Eskild is due home soon, and Noora was already humming to herself in the kitchen. Eva was supposed to come over today, Noora had asked that Isak join them but he'd declined because he really felt like just taking a day to calm the fuck down.

———

****

Even Kosegruppa

****

12.55

There's a lack of Isak at  
school today

Everything okay?

yeah

You sure?

Jonas said you wouldn't  
answer your texts

i did didnt i

You answered me

Not him

maybe i wanted to talk to you

not him

Aw Isak ❤

fuck off

Are you sure you're okay?

yeah

You know you can talk  
to me?

im ok

just shit with my mamma

Ah, family issues?

you could say that

And I did say that

what

Never mind

It was a joke

not a funny one

I'm offended! I'm the funniest  
person I know!

Besides you, of course.

im the funniest guy at nissen

even in oslo, probably

I know you are.

You make me laugh everyday

you cant say it's cause im  
so ugly

magnus uses that joke  
all the time

unoriginal

you should be ashamed

I wasn't going to say that

I was being serious, you're funny

wow

im screenshotting & sending  
this to jonas

Go for it haha

He already knows how  
gone I am for you

what do you mean

Isak, you're the funniest guy  
I know, and also the most oblivious

fuck you lol

im not oblivious

Then you do know how gone I  
am?

nearly as gone as i am

You're so fucking cute

I want to be around you all the  
fucking time

I missed you at school today

Jonas is probably sick of me

jonas?

Yeah I bothered him all day asking  
about you until he told me to  
just text you myself

jonas probably doesn't mind. he's  
cool

He's very cool

You know who else is cool

batman

superman

wonderwoman

iron man

Why are all superhero names  
just adjectives followed  
by gender?

uh theyre not wtf

captain america, the hulk,  
the flash, wolverine, thor,  
green lantern, black widow,  
hawkeye, war machine, scarlet  
witch, etc

Ant-Man, Isak.

The guy's name is Ant-Man. 

Besides those movies are shit

!!!!!!

What?

and romeo + juliet is so much  
better

Obviously? They're cinematic  
classics baby.

baby wtf

Don't digress. You just don't want  
to admit your films are shit and  
mine are masterpieces

gag

romeo + juliet got 72% on rotten  
tomatoes. the avengers got 92%

#butthatsnoneofmybusiness

That's an old meme.

the dark knight got 94%

iron man got 94%

ant-man got 81%, so fuck you

moulin rouge got 76% and pretty  
woman got 61% 

And what did Green Lantern get?

shut up

“Critics Consensus: Noisy,  
overproduced, and thinly written,  
Green Lantern squanders an  
impressive budget and decades  
of comics mythology.”

omg

green lantern doesn't count

Green Lantern totally counts!

Casablanca got 97%

the shawshank redemption got  
91%

WOW

Now I know that Rotten Tomatoes  
is bullshit

???

There's no way fucking Batman  
and Iron Man and The Avengers  
did better than The Shawshank  
Redemption

........wtf

Baby, I'm sorry, but The Shawshank  
Redemption is a masterpiece too.  
And no superhero movie can beat it.

what's with this “baby” shit

when did that start

I've got to go, see you tomorrow

Baby

wtf!!!!!!!

———

Isak smiles to himself, scrolling through the conversation and reading it over and over and over again. He liked how Even so easily gave in to banter. He liked how Even teased him. He liked when Even called him baby, would die to hear him say it in person, probably.

There's a knock on his door and Isak calls for whoever it is to come in. It's Noora, rather surprisingly. “Hey, lunch is ready,” she nods, and Isak thanks her quietly. She studies him for a moment. “You're blushing. Who are you texting?” She asks, coming in further and dropping down on his bed. 

Isak rolls his eyes and sits up, hyper aware of the fact that he's shirtless. She doesn't seem to mind, though, only scooting closer. “A boy,” he says vaguely. “You don't know him.”

“What's his name?” She asks. 

He raises his eyebrows. “You care about a boy you don't even know?”

“Well, yeah. I care about you. And if you care about him, then I should, too, you know? To make sure you're happy.”

“Thanks, Noora.” He and Noora have never been that close, she was always just the friend of his friends. But since she'd come back from London, they'd grown just a bit closer, if only because she was close with Eskild just as much as he was. “Um, he's a third year at my school. His name's Even.”

She nods, smiling a bit like she's encouraging him to continue. But he doesn't know what to say. “How did you two meet?”

“Um.” He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “So, you remember that morning I came home from some guy's house and I said the guy lived with his parents...?”

Noora gasps. “So that's why you haven't been going out! You're hung up on him!” She exclaims, and Isak rolls his eyes. “Do you know how he feels?”

“I think so? I mean, I can't be too sure. But..” He hands her his phone, letting her scroll through the messages. All the times Even had called him beautiful or told him that he was too smart for his own good, or today, when Even had called him baby. 

She looks up. “He's calling you baby.” Isak nods, and she smiles. “That's cute, Isak. I'm really happy for you.”

He smiles back and takes his phone. “Thank you. I hope everything goes well.” 

“Tell me about him?”

“You really want me to bore you like that?”

Noora shrugs. “Eva only talks about her hooking up with Penetrator Chris, and Eskild only hooks up. All of my friends are devastatingly single.” She shifts to climb off the bed. “Come eat lunch with me and tell me about him.”

So Isak goes with Noora and sits down to eat, and he spends the entire hour and seventeen minutes talking about Even. He talks about his fascination for Islam, about his drawings, about his taste in films. He tells her how much he loves the banter that Even so easily returns, and the compliments that Even shamelessly tosses around like candy. He talks about Even's smile, Even's laugh, Even's humor, Even's everything. Noora asks questions in all the right places, and seems genuinely interested in getting to know more about Even. 

“You sound like you're falling in love,” she remarks, raising her eyebrows (but not saying anything) when Isak just blushes and doesn't answer. “Let me meet him, maybe?”

“Sure,” Isak nods. “You'll love him.”

“I already love him, Isak.”

 

*

 

Two weeks later, he and Even have been seeing each other on a normal basis and act like boyfriends for all intents and purposes. Isak wants them to be official, more than anything. But Even hasn't ever talked about it. Isak had tried not pushing it but he knew he couldn't put it off anymore. So, one afternoon, Isak meets up with Even after school and intends on talking about what's been plaguing his mind for 15 days. “I have a question for you,” he says immediately, and Even raises his eyebrows. “But I have to do something first.”

“What's that?” Even asks, practically bouncing. Isak doesn't think he's ever seen Even this happy, but he loves it. Isak smiles and leans in to kiss him, right there in the middle of the crowded courtyard. Even kisses him back, grips his hips and pulls him closer. Isak's eyes pop open when he feels Even hard and very prominent against his thigh. 

He pulls back, raising his eyebrows at Even. “Is that a roll of coins or are you just that excited to see me?” He asks, and Even just smiles really wide, apparently unaffected by the large bulge in his jeans that anyone within a five foot radius could see. 

“I've been thinking about you all fucking day, Isak,” he says seriously, but his tone is light and happy. “You have no idea.”

Isak blinks. Their relationship hadn't developed this much yet. They'd slept together once before, sure, but that didn't mean they would start again, did it? They hadn't even, like, talked about things. And here Even was, smiling and referencing them having sex like it's no big deal when it most definitely is a big fucking deal. He smiles a bit awkwardly at Even, clearing his throat. He's so uncomfortable and just wants to move on. “Uh, I wanted to know if you wanted to come by my flat and like. Meet my roommates,” he murmurs, losing all of his confidence. Sexual prowess comes easy to him, but actually engaging himself in emotional conversation is difficult. He'd closed himself off so much and Even was being so...odd, that it just didn't feel like the right time. He couldn't do it. 

Even nods. “Sure! That sounds fun.” He reaches for Isak's hand and walks with him to the tram stop. He's practically skipping with every step he takes. Even laughs as Isak gives him funny looks. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

“You just seem happy today.”

“I am. Why wouldn't I be? I've got the hottest boy in the world holding my hand,” he grins, and Isak melts, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to pull Even down for a kiss again. 

Eskild, Noora, and Linn are in the living room when Isak and Even get there. Even's boner had thankfully gone down, and he hadn't made any more sexual comments. Isak didn't mind it too much if it was innocent joking, but he knew Eskild would never let him live down any sex jokes so he was just glad that he didn't have to worry about that. 

Eskild pauses the movie almost immediately. “Isak, who is that boy you're holding hands with?!” He demands, standing up and smiling. Noora shares a small, private smile with Isak. Linn even looks curious. 

Even steps in further, walking right up to Eskild and shaking his hand. “I'm Even, pleasure to meet you,” he grins, and Eskild looks absolutely enamored. “Isak made me promise on the way over here not to make any sex jokes around you.”

“Even!” Isak groans, and Eskild laughs. 

“Isak's just upset because he doesn't like to talk about it,” Eskild says, rolling his eyes as he smiles adoringly up at Even. “But if he can't talk about sex then maybe he shouldn't be having it, _Isak_.”

Isak just flips him off, which in turn causes Eskild to blow him a kiss. Noora stands and crosses the room to shake Even's hand. “Hi, I'm Noora. Isak's told me so much about you,” she says kindly, smiling as Even kisses her cheek. 

Eskild gasps. “So _Noora's_ heard about Even but not me?! I thought I was your guru, baby Jesus! What the fuck?!”

“Shut up, Eskild,” Linn groans, “you're so loud.”

Even turns to Linn, shaking her hand and leaning down to kiss her cheek. “You must be Linn. Isak, she's a lot more beautiful than you let on!” He grins, throwing Isak a wink over his shoulder. Isak wants to roll his eyes but he notices Linn actually blushing, and he thinks that maybe he can hold back the attitude this one time, because Even is so kind. Isak can't help but wonder how he got so fucking lucky. “What are you watching?” Even asks, addressing the group again. 

“Pretty Woman,” Noora says, and Isak can't help but roll his eyes this time. 

Even gasps, turning to Isak excitedly. “Come on and watch, Isak! Come on, you'll love it! Come watch.” He practically drags Isak over to the couch, cuddling up to him as Eskild restarts the film. They sit there, cuddled up on the couch, for the entirety of the movie. Even provides a running commentary, which none of his roommates seem to mind too much. And that pisses him off slightly because they love when Even talks during the whole fucking film, but god forbid Isak so much as sniffle. One time, Isak asked Linn if she wanted some popcorn and Eskild actually paused the movie and went on a ten minute rant about respect. 

They watch Romeo + Juliet afterwards, because Even is so insistent that the 1996 version is better than any other version currently available. Noora is all for it for the same reason that Eskild is – 1990's Leonardo DiCaprio. The weakness of teenage girls and boys worldwide. Isak included, though he'd never admit that out loud. 

Even runs another commentary this time, and Eskild actually has to ask him to be quiet a few times. Even apologizes and manages to stay quiet for, at most, 5 minutes before talking all over again. He's fidgety, too, with his knees bouncing or his head bobbing or his hands drawing patterns on Isak's arm. It's borderline annoying, but Isak likes being held too much to complain. The thing is, he knows how passionate Even is about filmography. He knows how much Even loves all the details and intricacies, so if Even wants to talk about cinematography over the top of Romeo and Juliet kissing in a pool, Isak is glad to indulge him in that. 

At the end of the film, Isak sheds a few tears. He wipes them hastily, not wanting Even to see them because then he'll have to admit that the film was actually half decent. And it was pretty good, but there were no intergalactic space battles or men in titanium suits beating the shit out of each other, so really it pales in comparison to every action movie he's ever seen. Besides maybe Green Lantern, but Green Lantern definitely doesn't count. 

Even smiles down at him, squeezing his shoulder. “I told you you'd love it,” he says, his voice soft and calm. Isak smiles, leaning his head back against Even's chest. “Say it's better than Batman.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Superman?”

“In your fucking dreams.”

“It's definitely better than Spiderman.”

“No it's not! Well, wait, which one? Andrew Garfield or Tobey Maguire?”

“Does it matter?”

“Not really,” Isak says, smirking, “because even Andrew Garfield is better than Romeo + Juliet.”

Even puts his hand to his chest, shaking his head. “You wound me,” he teases, laughing animatedly before leaning in to capture Isak's lips in a kiss. Isak gasps a little but melts into it, cupping Even's cheek and parting his lips when Even licks at his mouth. It's not intense enough to be making out but it's not chaste, either. 

Noora clears her throat. “Isak, you took over my room, maybe you should put it to good use,” she teases. 

“Hush, Noora! Let my godchild make out with his boyfriend if that's what the fuck he wants to do.” Isak pulls back in time to see Eskild turn to him. “Keep going. Do you mind if I take photos for a photo album?”

“He's not my boyfriend,” Isak says quietly, and Even just moves the kisses down Isak's neck. He tilts his head involuntarily. “Sorry, Noora. We'll go to my room. Come on, Even.”

Isak leads Even down the hall to his room, and Even slams him against the door as soon as it's closed. In a flash, Isak's snapback is being tossed aside and his shirt is being pulled over his head. Even throws the shirt aside and goes in for another kiss, but Isak puts his hands up to stop him. 

Even cocks his head, panting and licking his lips impatiently. “What's wrong?” He asks, hands still firm on Isak's hip bones. 

“Even, what's gotten into you? This isn't like you, I–” he's cut off by a gasp as Even dips his thumbs under the waistband of Isak's jeans, sliding them around to start undoing the button. Isak's breathing gets labored. “I–I mean, we haven't like, fuck, we haven't talked, shit.” He groans as Even goes back to sucking on his neck. 

The older boy pulls back, pulls his shirt off and then reaches for Isak's hands. He grips Isak's wrists and Isak whimpers as his hands are slammed on the door above his head. He's pinned, and Even just runs his eyes over his body hungrily. Isak's stomach is fluttering with nerves. “You're so fucking hot, Isak. Need you so bad.” He presses their hips together and Isak is shocked to feel Even rock hard once again. Fuck. “Been thinking about you all day. All fucking day. Is this okay?” He meets Isak's eyes and Isak nods eagerly, whimpering and begging. He kisses Isak sloppily before dropping his wrists and gripping Isak's thighs, lifting him up. 

Isak squeaks, grabbing Even's shoulders to keep himself from falling. Even pins him against the wall again, continuing his ministrations on Isak's neck. “Even, fuck, slow down,” he whispers, tugging at Even's hair. “Slow, baby, slow. Gentle, we have time, baby, relax.”

But it's like he's speaking to no one. Even just grinds up against Isak, and Isak sits there and takes it. It feels good, he wants this, wants Even always. They spin around and Isak feels his back hit the mattress, Even slotting himself between Isak's legs and kissing him as roughly as possible as he tugs off Isak's jeans. 

Isak can't fucking breathe. He wants this, he does. Doesn't he? The idea of sex has never scared him before, he's been fucked and has fucked someone else in toilet stalls and someone else's bed and on the floor in loud parties. He's done lots of things, usually while intoxicated and throwing caution to the wind. The adrenaline always got him, made him high in the most delicious, indescribable way. He's never been one to shy away from sex. So why is he like this now?

“Do you want this?” Even asks, searching Isak's eyes. Isak nods frantically, but his heart is about to fucking explode in his chest. He can't breathe, his thoughts are swirling and his head is pounding. “Isak, baby, you can say no. You can tell me no, it's okay. Baby, baby, baby, calm down. Breathe. It's okay. You can say no.”

Isak gasps for breath and it rattles his chest, and Even gets an even wilder look in his eyes. Except instead of lust, this time it's panic. “I'm sorry,” Isak sobs, fingers trembling and heart hammering against his ribs. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” he repeats, his voice choked. 

Even scrambles off of him, pulling blankets to cover Isak's body but Isak just kicks them off. They're restraining and hot, and Isak's about to have a fucking heart attack. He can't breathe, he's going to die, he's going to die, he's going to fucking die–

“Isak, breathe, baby,” Even is pleading, and Isak looks around wildly. His vision is blurry and he can't catch his breath, he's going to die. ”Don't cry, baby, please don't cry. Don't cry. It's okay, I'm sorry, don't cry, don't cry.” Isak hadn't even realized he'd been crying, barely recognizes the fat tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“I'm sorry,” Isak gasps, clutching his chest as Even gets him into some sweatpants. Being clothed helps, but only minimally. “I'm going to die, Even, I'm gonna die! Help, please!”

Even tries to pull Isak into a hug but Isak shoves him away, doubling over as he heaves with sobs and his heart is getting full, full, full, full. It's going to explode, he's going to die–

“Help!” Even is yelling, and Isak realizes that Even had gotten off the bed. “Eskild! Noora! Please, help, please!”

The next thing Isak knows, there's three people surrounding him, touching him, pulling at his skin. His skin fucking burns, he can't breathe, he can't fucking breathe. He sobs harder, tugging at his hair and at someone's shirt and at the sheets. He's going to die, he's going to die, he's going to fucking die. 

Isak doesn't feel better for an agonizing six minutes, which feels like six centuries. He breathes and his hands are still shaking but he's not going to die, he's okay, he's not going to die. Even is standing in the corner of the room, eyes wild and blown and scared. “I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me, I'm so sorry,” Even is saying, and Noora is cupping his cheeks and telling him to calm down. 

The older boy crosses the room, sitting next to Isak. Isak just throws his arms around Even's neck, hugging him tightly. “You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't, okay? Everything's okay. I just freaked out, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything I didn't want. And you asked, that's so good, you knew I was freaking out and you stopped, it's okay. You didn't do anything I didn't want.”

Isak is still shaking but he comforts Even the best he can. “I'm sorry, Isak,” Even whispers, pulling back and cupping Isak's cheeks gently. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. It's okay. You asked consent. You didn't do anything I didn't want you to do,” Isak repeats, leaning in to kiss Even gently, lovingly. Lust comes easy to them both, but he wants to remind Even that he has feelings for him for more than that. “It's okay. Lets just watch some television before bed. We wasted the whole afternoon watching those films,” he teases lightly, running his fingers through Even's hair and hoping it's calming. “Turn on the television and put on Stranger Things, okay? I'll be right back.”

Even nods, kissing Isak eight times before letting him get up. Isak goes to the kitchen to get aspirin and water, telling Eskild and Noora over and over that he's okay, that it was just a panic attack. He felt physically and emotionally drained from it, but he was okay. He's had them before. Noora forces him into a long hug, and Isak definitely does not cry. 

When he gets back to the bedroom, Even is sitting in Isak's bed. The older boy smiles up at him, and Isak eagerly climbs in next to him and cuddles into Even's side. “You make me really happy, you know. I can't fucking wait until we get married,” Even says, pressing play. 

“Married?” Isak asks drowsily. He felt weak, like a lump against Even. He'd had panic attacks before and yet always forgot what it felt like afterwards. Drained, exhausted, weak, light headed. 

“You don't think we'll get married?” Even asks, his hands going through Isak's hair and occasionally drawing shapes on his back. “We are so getting fucking married. A grand wedding! We'll show up as God and Julius Caesar. Or, no. We'll show up naked. Yeah, from now on we'll just do everything naked.”

Isak snorts, “I don't think that'll go over well with the police, Even.”

“Fuck the police!” Even exclaims, bursting into laughter. “I already know how I'll propose to you! It'll be from a balcony. Just imagine me driving up in a,” he breaks off into laughter, laughter that sounds so unlike Even's normal smooth, slow laughter, and Isak's stomach hurts a little, “in a white limo Tesla. I'll be driving up and be yelling, ‘Princess Vivian!’” He laughs, his hands stilling in Isak's hair. 

There's an unpleasant roll in his stomach. He tries to remind himself that banter and teasing is normal for Even, that he's just in a good mood. Isak knew there'd been waffles in the cafeteria today, and Even loved those. Plus, Even had made a 5+ the maths test that he'd thought he was going to fail. He'd called Isak at 4 o'clock this morning, unable to sleep, and told Isak that his teacher had posted the grade. He was happy, then, too. Isak just tells himself that Even has had a good day, and to focus on not falling asleep. “Princess Vivian?” He asks weakly. 

Even laughs again. “It would be completely genius if that was your answer! Because then, the whole joke is that you'd think it's a Romeo and Juliet reference. But you don't get it until you enter the balcony and see me sitting naked with a tie. And that's when you get the reference!” He grins, and Isak slowly opens his eyes and tilts his head to peer up at Even. 

Any traces of Even's previous concern was gone just as quickly as it came. Isak was still shaking, his heart still beating irregularly, and his stomach was turning. He could hardly forget the sheer panic he'd felt, and he knew Noora and Eskild were worried because they'd left Isak's bedroom door open. It concerned Isak slightly that Even seemed to move on so quickly from Isak's literal panic attack to talking about their wedding. It was so unlike Even, so unlike anyone, really. 

He meets Even's eyes, and there's something weird about them. They're sparkling like normal, except there's some weird haze in his eyes. Like his head is somewhere between Isak's bedroom and the moon, barely tethered down as it floats through the clouds towards the atmosphere. Isak wonders briefly if Even had taken any drugs, but rules that out because Even doesn't do anything but weed and Isak had been with him all afternoon. And even if he'd smoked before school, it would've worn off a bit by now, and plus, Isak doesn't smell any weed. Something is weird, Isak can feel it in his gut. 

“And after I've climbed up the balcony, I'll ask you, ‘what happens after I've saved you’. And then you answer...?” He pauses, like he's waiting for Isak to answer. But Isak can't think, wouldn't be able to if he tried because his brain is mush. His head feels like the ruins after a hurricane, and perhaps they are in a sense. He just stares at Even, trying his best to figure out if Even was high. “I'll save you right back,” he fills in, smiling down at Isak and continuing to run his fingers through Isak's hair. “It'll be so fucking funny! It's actually one of my dreams. It's one of my dreams!”

Even goes off talking about something else, but Isak can't listen anymore. He's so, so tired and his head is threatening to split from his headache. There's lead weights tethered to his limbs and, no matter how hard he tries, he can't hold his eyes open. He falls asleep with his head resting on Even's chest, his head deciding that his concern for Even's behavior is just paranoia from his panic attack and nothing more. 

 

*

 

Isak wakes up at 5 o'clock to an empty bed. He sits up abruptly, looking around the dark room. His door is open, and there's lights on in the kitchen. But it's Saturday morning, there's no reason for anyone to be up this early. He looks over at the nightstand and sees Even's phone plugged into the charger, and there's a pile of Even's clothes in the corner of the room. Isak rubs his eyes, tries to make sense of everything before he realizes... Even's fucking clothes. If they're on the floor, then Even is naked. 

He hops out of bed, still wearing the sweatpants that Even had put on him earlier. He stumbles out of his bedroom to find Even standing naked in the kitchen surrounded by food he'd pulled out of the fridge. There's a milk spill on the floor, burnt eggs in the pan, and three plates full of toasted bagels. “Even, what are you doing?!” He whisper-yells, lunging forward to turn off the stovetop and moving the pan of burning eggs before the smoke alarm goes off. 

Even just smiles over at him, chopping up tomatoes. “I'm making an omelette! I had to let the eggs sit while I cut up the fillings,” he explains, and Isak blinks blearily at him. What the fuck. 

“Even, you let the eggs burn. You nearly started a fire.” He grabs a towel to clean the milk and does his best not to look at the smorgasbord of bagels. “Why are you cooking naked at 5 o'clock? I live with people, you know that. I don't understand why you're doing this.”

The older boy turns, putting the knife down and smiling at Isak. “I'm making you breakfast! I didn't know what you liked so I'm making everything. Omelettes and bagels and smoothies. But you don't have a blender so I'll have to go get one,” he explains. 

Maybe it's just too early, or something, but Isak can't make sense out of Even's explanations. He knows that Even is speaking to him and looking at him like he should understand, but he doesn't. The idea of getting up and doing all of this at five o'clock isn't logical. Letting eggs sit and burn while you cut up tomatoes isn't logical. Making 3 plates of bagels, 25 bagels total, isn't logical. Going to buy a blender just to make a smoothie isn't logical. Cooking naked isn't logical. Isak feels his stomach roll again, anxiety rising in his chest. He doesn't fucking understand. 

Isak hands over Even's clothes that he'd been holding in the crook of his arm. “Put these on, please,” he begs, but Even isn't listening. He's whistling as he puts the chopped tomatoes in a bowl and then starts chopping up some uncooked bacon. Fuck, his roommates are going to kill him. “Even, please. That's not my food, and please put clothes on. Put clothes on and go to bed and let me clean this up, please.”

Even sighs, turning to Isak again. “Yeah, alright. But let me go get that blender first, okay?” He kisses Isak's cheek and walks right past him, down the hall and out the door. Isak is frozen in place for a good 30 seconds before his head catches up and he takes off after him. He runs down the staircase, yelling and pleading for Even to comeback and put clothes on, but no one responds. When he gets outside, the streets are empty except for the early morning commuters. Even is nowhere to be seen. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Isak runs back upstairs, knocks on Eskild's door. Eskild opens it after way too long, looking exhausted as he asks Isak what the fuck he wants. “Help, please, I don't know what to do. Even w-was cooking n-naked and he ran o-out fuck-fucking naked and I don't know where he is! I don't know what to do, Eskild, what the fuck. I don't understand, I don't get it, help me please,” he begs. 

Eskild, bless him, somehow makes coherent thoughts out of Isak's blubbering and gets dressed. He wakes Noora up and tells her to come with them, and they all set out on a search of the open stores that they can get to. Noora calls the police and explains; she has to ask Isak for details a couple of times but she does it anyway, because she knows Isak can't talk to the police without breaking down. Isak is crying for the second time today, because Even is walking around naked. He's going to get arrested, or beaten up, or raped, or what the fuck ever. He could get hurt and it's all Isak's fault, Isak should've done more, should've kept him from leaving. 

They search until sunrise and there's no sign of Even anywhere. They go back home and Isak cries into Noora's shoulder until they get a phone call from the police saying that Even was found. He'd broken into a store, one that had staff in it but was not yet open. He'd broken into the store and tried to pay for a blender. When the cashiers gave it to him, because he was naked and didn't have money, they called the police, and Even had been apprehended as soon as he left the store. 

Noora and Eskild accompany Isak to the police station. Isak isn't crying anymore, because this is about Even. Something is wrong with Even and Isak needs to be there for him, needs to help him, needs to understand. All he wants to do is fucking understand. The police let them in but tell them that they can't see Even because Even is under psychiatric evaluations. Isak tells them he'll sit his ass in the waiting room if he has to, and he fully intends to do so. He even turns towards the chairs to sit down once the police officer walks off, but he never gets the chance to sit down. 

A young woman, older than Isak but not old, approaches them. There's tears in her eyes and her jaw is set, and there's anger in her fingers when she brushes her short hair from her face. Isak doesn't recognize her. “Are you Isak?” The girl asks, her voice wobbly. Isak nods hesitantly, and asks who she is. “I'm Sonja. Even's ex girlfriend.”

_“I thought he had a girlfriend, though.”_

_“Why did you think that? Did him making out with me in front of you not persuade you?”_

_“He's mentioned some girl a lot in class. I don't remember her name, started with an S I think. Someone from Elvebakken. But all things considered, I guess I was wrong.”_

_“I guess you were.”_

Isak feels the air leave his lungs. “They called you?” He asks, and Sonja nods solemnly. She looks angry. “W-Why?”

She laughs hollowly, tears coating it. “Why?! Because I'm the only one that can help him! I'm the only one who's been able to keep him on that fucking medications, and I bet he went off of them as soon as he broke up with me,” she snaps. “Have you been making sure he's taking his meds?”

“I...I didn't know he had m-meds. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking confused. I don't know what the fuck just happened, I don't understand what's going on right now,” he chokes out, suddenly feeling so, so young. He feels like he's 12 again, huddling under the duvet with his sister, crying into his knees as Mamma has an episode. He can almost hear the glasses smashing against the wall as Pappa dodged the ones she threw at him. 

Sonja steps forward. “He's manic. That's what's happening now. He's not well!” She all but yells, and Isak trembles. 

“Excuse me, you don't have to yell at him. He didn't know,” Noora says gently. “I'm sure if Isak knew what was going on, the circumstances would be different and this wouldn't be happening. But he didn't know. Look at him right now, Sonja, he's scared out of his mind. Can't you be kind enough to understand that?”

The older girl just ignores Noora, focusing on Isak. Isak never wants to be looked at the way Sonja is looking at him now, like he'd be six feet underground if looks could kill. “Do you think he's in love with you?” She asks, and Isak can already feel his heart breaking. “He's not. It's just a sick idea he's got right now.”

That's when Eskild butts in. “Excuse me, Miss. Bitchy von Holier-Than-Thou, but who the fuck are you? Even dumped you. I see the way he looks at Isak, I've seen the way they interact. You're in no place to say that Even doesn't love Isak,” he snaps. “So fuck off. Leave the kid alone.”

She scans her eyes across Eskild, Noora, and Isak. She settled her eyes on Eskild. “Last year, he memorized the Quran. In Arabic. Because at that time he thought it was a good idea.” She shifts her gaze back to Isak. “So can you please just...stay away?!” She shoves past them, her shoulder bumping into Isak's. 

Noora's trying to pull him into a hug and Eskild is trying to get him to talk, but Isak can't breathe. Not in the panic attack way, but in the heartbreak way. He feels his chest caving in, slowly, like there's rocks pressing down on his lungs, cracking his ribs. He doesn't talk all the way home, he doesn't shed a tear as they take off their coats at the door of their flat. 

He goes straight to his room, locking the door behind him. The bed still smells like Even so he sits on the floor, scrolling through his laptop and researching bipolar disorder. He reads and researches and even takes some notes all day, trying to understand. If he could just understand then he could go to Even and hug him and tell him that yes, only he can feel what he feels, but Isak understands. Isak understands that he's feeling good or bad or manic or depressed, Isak can help. He wants to help Even because Even deserves it. 

When nighttime hits he just closes the laptop and climbs into bed, on Even's side. He puts Romeo + Juliet on and watches it all the way to the end. And he doesn't bother to wipe the tears that inevitably come at the end, because there's nobody there to see them.


	5. boy i'll sweep you off your feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from wind & anchor by the national parks

———

Magnus Fossbakken

09.36

hey mags

Hey bro!!!! What's up?

i need your help

vilde says your mom is  
bipolar?

Yeah, she is. Why???

turns out even is bipolar

Even????

my boyfriend?

YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND

SINCE WHEN

WHAT THE FUCK

uh???

i thought you knew?

ISAK

I'M NOT A MIND READER

ok ok sorry

weve been together for like  
2 weeks but we were like  
talking or whatever for a lot  
longer

He's that guy from kose right?

yeah thats him

look i really need help, hes  
manic and idk how to help him

He's manic? What did he do?

ran out naked and tried to  
basically steal a blender

Haha that's hilarious! One time  
Mamma got so pissed at NSB that  
she found the general director  
and wrote a letter of resignation in  
his name!

magnus please

Okay, okay. He's probably going  
to crash and when he does he'll  
be really depressed. Just make  
sure he eats and showers when he  
can. And get him outside if you can.

And remember that he's bipolar,  
not an infant. He doesn't need to  
be watched over all the time,  
or treated like he's going to break.  
He's still Even, just a bit sad or a  
bit psyched. 

Usually when Mamma is manic I  
can't get in contact with her, and  
when she's depressed she sleeps  
a lot. That's normal, but try and  
encourage him to get up and stuff. 

He'll be okay soon. Episodes don't  
last too long if the person is on  
medication. Is he?

he was but he stopped taking  
them. idk when

Well that's not great, but it's not  
horrible. It might last weeks or a  
month, but don't freak out. It'll be  
fine.

thanks mags. youre actually pretty  
cool you know

You're just now figuring that out?

———

Isak locks his phone and looks down at his notebook. He'd filled four pages with notes about bipolar disorder, and he looked over them nearly every night. Even had been manic for the last three days, Isak knew that much because of the continuous texting. The texts were always really late, and he'd wake up to 73 unread messages. They'd continue throughout the day, even. And Isak felt bad for not responding but he needed to understand everything before he went to Even and tried to help. He didn't want to fuck up.

Also, there was Sonja. He was still weary of her, unsure if anything of what she said was true. He believed Even truly had feelings for him, but the tiny insecure part of his brain always had that niggling _what if_ thought in the back of his head. He'd probably die if Even told him that he was manic the whole time and didn't actually have feelings for him. 

Today was the fourth day without Even, and Isak was feeling the loss more and more each day. He was exhausted in school because of his late nights doing research, and Sana gave him shit in biology everyday for not paying proper attention. She found his bipolar notebook, as he referred to it, a couple of days ago. She only gave him a questioning look, pointing to the title of the particular page: _Symptoms of Manic Episodes_. Isak had just taken it back and mumbled that he had a paper due on bipolar disorder for a psychology class (which he wasn't actually taking a psych class). Sana didn't look like she believed him but she didn't press, either. 

Today was Wednesday and Isak was sitting in Norwegian. He had English with Magnus next class, and he already knew he'd be bombarded with questions about Even. And he wasn't really in the mood to talk about Even. So, as the clock ticked forward, he got more restless. He tapped his pen and fiddled with his hat and bounced his knee. It got so bad that, at one point, the girl next to him asked if he was okay. 

“I'm fine, sorry,” he murmurs, putting his pen down so he'd stop clicking it. 

The girl gives him a curious look, tilting her head and furrowing her eyebrows. “You look like you haven't slept in days,” she observes, and Isak huffs a laugh. _You have no idea_.

“I'm a bit stressed,” he admits. 

She digs in her bag and holds out a small bag of pills. Isak's eyes widen as he quickly looks at the teacher, who's writing on the board with her back to the class. “200kr for two pills,” she murmurs. “They're Xanax. They'll help you calm down.”

Isak wants to say no. He hasn't done many drugs since he's been with Even, definitely won't smoke weed now that he knows (thanks to research) that weed has bad effects on people with bipolar disorder. But he's so stressed that he thinks two Xanax won't fuck him up too much. “Can I get the money to you tomorrow? I swear I'll bring it,” he promises. The girl bites her lip, eyeing him up and down. 

“Give me your number so I have a way to contact you. That way you won't forget because I won't let you,” she decides. Isak gives her the number and then she gives him two Xanax, tucking the bag away just in time for the teacher to turn back around. Isak takes the pills in the bathroom in between classes, swallowing them down with sink water. By the end of the day, he's significantly calmed down. 

Thursday morning, he hands the girl (Safi) 400kr. She pockets the money and winks at him, handing him two more pills. He swallows one of them dry, and actually manages to take decent notes in class that day. 

He takes his second pill Friday morning. He has no more money to pay Safi, and plus he really doesn't want to get an addiction, so he decides that's his last one. He gets a shower and eats a quick breakfast, and makes his way to the tram. He's halfway to his tram stop when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

———

Unknown

07.48

Hallo, is this Isak?

who is this?

It's Sonja. Even's ex.

oh

yeah its isak

I just wanted to say sorry  
for my behavior the other  
day. I shouldn't have taken  
it out on you. You didn't do  
anything wrong.

thanks

I'm serious, Isak. You didn't  
do anything wrong. You did  
everything right, actually.

And once that blonde girl told  
me that you didn't know, I  
should've stopped. Hell, it  
shouldn't have started. You were  
scared out of your mind. 

There's nothing to be scared of,  
Isak. Everything's okay. Even is  
okay, or he will be.

is he ok now

Why don't you ask him?

im trying to figure everything  
out right now

I understand.

And so does he.

how is he

He crashed last night. I haven't  
seen much of him but I called  
his mother yesterday to check. I  
don't visit him, it isn't my place  
to do so anymore.

i dont mind if you do

Even does. He and I have a long  
history. Just, be there for him,  
okay? Don't give up on him. He's so  
worth it.

i know he is

im not going anywhere

Good. And it's not your fault, okay?

I need to make sure you know that  
none of this is your fault.

ok

Okay.

———

Isak closes that conversation and opens a new one.

———

Even Kosegruppa

08.02

hi even

i hope you're okay. i miss you so  
much. im sorry you're not feeling  
well. im sorry if i did or said anything  
to make you feel like you couldn't  
tell me. im sorry i havent been  
answering your texts.

i wanted to understand before you  
and i spoke again. i wanted to do all  
the research i could so i could try to  
understand and help you. but i think  
i know now that that's unrealistic. how  
can i understand something that  
people with bipolar dont even  
understand? i can't. so instead of trying  
to understand, im just going to do  
my best to help you any way i know how.

you deserve to be happy, even. you're  
one of the kindest people i know and  
my life would be a dull place without you  
in it. i dont even want to imagine what my  
life would be like if we hadnt met. you  
make me so happy. you make me feel like  
i can do anything. and i hope i make you  
feel the same way, or at least half as good  
as you make me feel. you're the best thing  
in my life.

hugs. isak.

———

He sends the texts and then pockets his phone, heading in to school. He meets Jonas in the courtyard and they go to their lockers together. Isak sits next to Safi in Norwegian, politely declining her offer of more Xanax. She puts the pills away and tells him that it's good not to develop an addiction, but that he knows where to find her if he ever needs more. He thanks her and then focuses on the lesson.

In English, he tells Magnus all about Even. He shows him pictures, of Even alone or of Even and Isak together. Magnus enjoys listening to all the little stories, and Isak gets a little sad thinking about all the bad shit that had happened. He feels even more appreciative of Magnus than ever before, because when he sees Even, he'll know what to do. Thanks to Magnus. 

At the end of the day, Isak goes over to Jonas's house. They play FIFA until the sun goes down, and Jonas tells Isak he can crash there if he wants. Isak doesn't really feel like going home; Noora is hosting a Wine Night and he doesn't want to deal with wine-drunk Eskild. Eskild when he's wine-drunk is almost as bad as Eskild when he's done too many shots. It would be worse, except that shots make Eskild vomit, and Isak always ends up cleaning it. 

Jonas's sister joins them eventually, sitting on the end of the couch scrolling through her phone. Isak swears as Jonas scores a goal, and Jonas's sister laughs and teases him for being a bad footie player. It's the most fun he's had since Even's manic episode, sitting here with Jonas and playing FIFA and drinking Jonas's dad's beer. It reminds him so much of life before all the shit happened, before his Pappa left and before his Mamma lost it and before he had to move out. But it's also before Even, and despite everything, he's so fucking grateful that he ever met Even. He isn't willing to give that up just for simpler times, because what is success without some struggle and some failure? He's willing to push through all of this if his reward is Even. 

They stay up until nearly half two o'clock, when Jonas's mom insists they go to bed. They turn off the console and go to Jonas's room, sharing a bed because they're not weird about that shit like most guys. Isak's half asleep when his phone buzzes from its place in his hoodie pocket. He takes it out and squints at the screen, his eyes lighting up when he sees it's a text from Even.

———

Even Kosegruppa

02.42

I'm so sorry Isak

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I didn't tell you I'm  
bipolar. I'm sorry I scared you. I'm  
sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for what  
Sonja said at the police station. I'm  
sorry for being so fucked up, Isak,  
I'm so sorry baby I'm so sorry

You're everything to me, baby, I'm  
so sorry

———

He knows he should be concerned about the messages, should run across the city and throw pebbles at Even's window and cuddle him all night. But this isn't a movie and Isak can't just do that. So he resorts to sending a red heart back, and locking his phone and putting it aside. His heart aches for Even but he's no longer anxious, because Even's going to be okay. He knows it, feels it in his bones.

 

*

 

Sunday morning at 9 o'clock, he's standing in front of Even's house. He'd considered buying flowers but had decided against it. He didn't want Even to feel smothered, and plus it was a bit embarrassing. He wipes his hands on his jeans and knocks gently on the door. A kind looking woman answers the door, a small smile on her face. 

“Hi, I'm Isak,” he greets, reaching to shake the woman's hand. She has blue eyes, so much like Even's it makes his heart break. He hasn't seen Even's gorgeous blue eyes since Saturday morning, over one week ago. “I'm Even's boyfriend. Um, I was hoping I could see him?”

The woman smiles brightly, practically pulling Isak inside. The house is cozy and smells like freshly baked cinnamon apple pie. It makes him nostalgic for the childhood he never had but always wanted, the kind he saw on television but never saw within the four walls of his own home. The kind he saw at Jonas's, at Magnus's, at Eva's sometimes. Never in his own home. He always wondered why he didn't deserve a mom who wrote him little notes in his lunch bag, why he didn't deserve a Pappa who sat in the stands for every soccer game, why he didn't deserve a Mamma who didn't throw things at him or a Pappa who loved him. The smile on Even's mother's face is so big, so genuine, that Isak feels like he's mourning something he never had to lose. 

He clears his head, shaking it slightly. “His room is just down the hall,” she says, smile still blinding. “It's so lovely to finally meet you, dear, he talks about you all the time! You make him so happy.”

Isak smiles, just a bit. “He makes me happy,” he murmurs, and the lady looks so pleased that Isak nearly wants to cry. But he doesn't. He just excuses himself politely and crosses the small hallway to the room she'd indicated. The door is open, for obvious reasons, so he knocks on the doorframe before slowly walking in. He can see the figure of Even in bed, but Even didn't react to the presence of Isak in the room. 

So Isak clears his throat. Even just sighs, keeps his back to Isak. “Mamma, I'm not hungry,” he says. His voice sounds so weak that Isak wants to crumble. This poor, sweet boy. The world's so cruel to the ones who do nothing but make the world a better place. Isak doesn't understand why. 

“It's me,” he says quietly. “It's Isak.”

At that, Even doesn't just turn around, but he sits up. It looks like he's used all his energy to do just that, and Isak wants to wrap him up in a blanket and kiss him until he realizes how special he is. “Isak?” He asks quietly, and Isak nods. “What are you doing here?”

“I was hoping you'd be up to hanging out with me,” he smiles. He smiles even wider when he sees how Even's face looks torn, like he doesn't want to say no and risk Isak leaving but he also has no energy. “Yeah, I made all of these plans for us. First, we kiss, because I haven't kissed you in forever. If you're cool with that, of course. And then, we cuddle. If you're cool with that. And then I was hoping we could nap together. I was up all night playing FIFA and I could really use a nap. What do you think?”

Even doesn't smile, and Isak doesn't expect him to. But the corners of Even's mouth flick upwards, ever so slightly; and Isak knows he's made Even at least a little happy, even if it was only for a moment. “That's chill,” Even whispers, laying back down. Isak tugs off his hoodie and climbs up the ladder. He slides in behind Even, wrapping his arms around Even's waist and pressing his face against Even's back. “I'm sorry, Isak.”

“Shh. It's okay. There's nothing for you to be apologizing for.”

“I used your roommates food, almost started a fire, fucked up your kitchen, ran out of your flat naked. I scared you fucking shitless, I know I did. Sonja told me I did, she said you were crying in the police station, that you looked like you were two seconds from passing out. I'm so fucking sorry, I should've just told you, I'm such a fucking idiot.”

Isak frowns, pulling on Even's shoulder until the boy rolls over. They're facing each other now, so Isak makes eye contact and slowly runs his fingers through Even's unwashed hair. “No, you're not. Yes, I was scared. And yes, I was a little hurt. But none of that is your fault. You had a manic episode. You can't control that. Of course I'm going to be scared in an unfamiliar situation. But it wasn't your fault, Even, I swear. I never once blamed you for anything. You shouldn't blame yourself either.”

“Baby, I hurt you.” Even looks at him with hollow eyes, and Isak wants to cry when he sees the lack of his usual sparkle. “I nearly forced you into sex, baby. You were freaking the fuck out and I almost didn't stop. I almost fucking wrecked you while you were having a panic attack, what the fuck. You had an actual panic attack, and I never comforted you through it. I just talked about a wedding, oh my god. I don't even know what to say, I'm just so so so fucking sorry.”

Instead of telling Even not to apologize, he just presses a light kiss to the boy's forehead. “It's okay,” he murmurs, nodding. “You weren't yourself. And like I said then, you didn't do anything that I didn't agree to. You may have almost kept going, but you didn't. You stopped. You stopped and you hugged me. You got help from Noora and Eskild. You made sure I was okay. You didn't hurt me.” He leans in to kiss Even's forehead, then his cheeks, then his nose. 

“How about we go ahead and take a nap?” Isak whispers, rubbing his thumb across Even's cheekbone and smiling softly. Even nods, leaning forward to bury his face in Isak's chest. Isak wraps his arms firmly around Even's back, kisses the top of Even's head, and lays there for a moment. 

Just when he thinks Even's fallen asleep, the older boy pulls back. Isak raises his eyebrows, a silent question. _What do you need? What can I do for you? I'll do anything for you._

Even studies Isak for a minute. “We, uh,” Even pauses to clear his throat, voice raspy for disuse, “we never did the first thing on your list. We never kissed. I almost forgot.”

Isak smiles, moving one of his hands to Even's cheek again. There's pillow marks on it, Isak wonders how many days there have been pillow marks. “You don't have to do anything you're not up for doing,” he reminds Even, but then Even is leaning forward. Isak leans in, too, closes the space between them. Kissing Even again feels like coming home, a feeling he'd never learned to cherish, but now a feeling that he finds himself craving. 

They kiss for longer than Isak expected before Even gets tired and leans in to rest his head on Isak's chest again. Isak holds him again, closing his eyes and trying to go to sleep. 

 

*

 

They get into a routine over the next five weeks. Isak goes to school everyday, and gets updates from Even's mother every now and then. Most days he goes over to Even's and sits on the floor doing his homework or sits in bed with Even, reading. Sometimes he gets Even to eat, and they go outside once every week. But Isak also knows that Even needs space sometimes, so he'll purposely make plans some afternoons or stay at his flat some nights. 

Even's better by the first week in December, at least well enough to shower on his own and eat a bit more normally. By the second week of December he decides to go back to school, and Isak tells him it's okay when he has to go home early the first three days. But that Thursday, the 15th, he goes to school for a full day and goes for kebab that afternoon with some of his friends. 

Isak goes home that afternoon while Even is gone for kebab, and works on his homework. His phone rings a few times from his dad, but he refuses to answer the calls.

———

Pappa

17.21

Isak! I've tried for two weeks to  
get a hold of you. Mamma isn't  
doing well, she needs you to go  
visit her. I think it would help. If  
you could stop being so selfish! I  
know you're angry at me for leaving  
Mamma but she loves you! You're  
not being fair!

———

Isak frowns, clicking off his phone. Whatever. His Pappa doesn't even deserve acknowledgement, fuck that. His Pappa is the selfish one, not him. He tosses his phone aside and ignores the constant calls that come in.

An hour and 13 calls later, Even comes into Isak's bedroom. “Hey baby,” Even smiles, coming to sit next to Isak and dropping a kiss on Isak's cheek. Isak shuts his biology book and shifts to sit up. “Did you finish your homework?”

“Yeah, I was just studying a bit.” His phone rings again so he reaches down to turn the sound off. “Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah, I did.”

Isak grins, leaning in to kiss him again. “Are you staying tonight?”

Even nods. “I love my Mamma and all, but I need a break. She's getting a little overbearing,” he laughs. “It's like in the past whenever I got a cold and she was convinced I had to go to the hospital. It's always a big deal because I'm her only child or whatever. Does your Mamma ever get like that?”

“Uh, nei.”

“You're lucky. One time we had to go to the emergency room because I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. They thought we were so fucking crazy.” Even props up Isak's blue pillow, which is basically now Even's, and leans against the wall. Isak stays in his place in the middle of the bed. “I'm glad you've met her. She's awesome, isn't she? She adores you, by the way. She talks about you almost as much as I do.”

“Really? That's cool. She's sweet.” Isak glances at his phone for a moment before looking back up at Even. He needs to change the subject now. “Eskild's out but Noora's having Eva and Vilde over, I think.”

Even smiles, “That's cool. I like Vilde, and Eva seems cool.”

“Yeah, Eva's cool.” He starts putting away his books, trying to ignore his phone going off. 

“Baby, your Pappa's calling.” Isak stays silent for a moment. “Aren't you going to answer?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'll answer.” He fights his sigh as he picks up his phone, sliding the little call thing to accept it. “Halla?”

_“Isak! I've been trying to call you all day! Your Mamma isn't doing well, didn't you see my text? You should go visit her.”_

Isak looks down at his hands. “Pappa, you know I can't do that.” He keeps his tone level, trying not to get Even suspicious. Right now his boyfriend is sitting by the window sketching. He appears to not even be listening. 

_“Do you have to be so selfish?! You're so unfair!”_

“I think it's really ironic that you're saying that to me right now.” He sighs, rubbing his forehead a bit. “Can I call you later? I'm busy with my boyfriend right now.”

_“Boyfriend?”_

“Yeah,” Isak murmurs, “I've gotten a boyfriend.”

_“That's nice, Isak. I'd love to meet him.”_

“Okay.”

_“Oh! There's a Christmas Concert in Sagene Church. Your Mamma and I would like for you to come.”_

Isak looks over at Even, still sketching away. He thinks of Even and his mom, laughing and talking and enjoying each other's company. No tears, no anger, no sadness. “Can I bring Even?” He asks quietly. 

_“I don't know, Isak. You know how stressed Mamma can get about these things. It's kind of selfish to bring someone else when you're seeing your Mamma and I for the first time in a long time. I'd love to meet him but the concert isn't the time.”_

“Whatever.” Isak hangs up, tossing his phone aside. Anger is boiling in his veins. 

Even looks up, raising his eyebrows. “Is everything okay?” He asks, and Isak nods. “Oh. Okay. All I heard was you mentioning bring your _boyfriend_ somewhere. Is this our first official date?” He teases. 

Isak rolls his eyes and smiles. Even had a knack for making all of Isak's grumpiness roll off his back, slip through his fingers like sand. “How would you feel about going to a Christmas concert with my parents next week?”

“Your parents?!” Even gasps dramatically. He stands and walks over to Isak, locking his arms around Isak's waist and smiling down at him. Isak smiles up, wrapping his arms around Even's neck. “I would be honored.”

“I refuse to let that be our first date, though," Isak says seriously. He knows his parents, he knows something will go wrong. And he doesn't want their first date to be complete shit. “So lets go out Friday night. There's some place I want to take you.”

Even raises his eyebrows. “Romantic.” He leans down to kiss Isak and Isak kisses him back, cupping his cheeks. “Is there a dress code?”

“Just dress how you'd normally dress.”

“Okay,” Even murmurs, lightly kissing Isak's cheek and then his lips again. 

 

*

 

Friday afternoon at 17, Even shows up at Isak's dressed like he normally is. But Isak smiles anyway, leans in to kiss him, and says, “You look great.” Even thanks him and kisses him again, before asking about the skateboards Isak's holding. 

“It'll make it easier to get where we're going. Do you know how to skate?”

Even doesn't. So Isak allows him to take his bike, and Isak skates next to him. The air is cold, practically whipping against them, but Isak doesn't mind. Even does a wheelie a couple of times and Isak just laughs, telling him not to hurt himself because he doesn't want Even to fuck up his good looks. 

They get to the skate park and Even looks over at a Isak as they skid to a stop. “You brought me to a skate park?” He asks, and Isak nods. 

“Jonas and I came here a lot. I was never as good as he was, but it was pretty therapeutic. You'd be surprised.” He waits for Even to lock up his bike before handing him the other skateboard. “Now it'll be even more romantic because I'll get to teach you how to skate.”

There's not a lot of people at the skate park even though it's a Friday afternoon, probably because it was pretty damn cold. Isak does see some of Jonas's stoner friends, even Elias. He's honestly a little surprised that he hasn't seen Jonas here, but he counts that as a plus. They find an empty area and Isak teaches Even the basics, like speed and balance. Then they work on pushing off, mellow turns, and sharper turns. Even's a quick learner, so they graduate to small ramps. 

But Even keeps falling on the ramps, and Isak can't figure out why for the longest time, until he notices Even's leaning back. “Baby, you have to keep your shoulders parallel to the ground,” he explains, helping Even with his stance at the top of the ramp. Even is smiling at him, really fucking wide. “What?” He asks innocently. 

“You just called me baby,” Even says simply, and Isak rolls his eyes a bit. “Don't roll your eyes! It's cute. You're cute.” He leans down to kiss Isak and Isak returns it easily. “Okay, so my shoulders should stay parallel?” Isak nods and lets Even go again. It takes a couple more tries but Even finally gets the hang of it. They move to bigger ramps and Even nails those, too. 

Once the sun starts setting and the lights come on, Even is going down ramps on his own. He's got a permanent smile on his face, laughing and telling Isak how much fun he's having over and over. Isak's kind of proud of himself for picking such a good first date. 

Even comes running over, and Isak smiles and greets him with a kiss. “I want you to go skate now, baby. I want to see you do all the cool shit Jonas taught you.“

“Hey! Who said Jonas taught me?” Even gives him a look and Isak concedes, laughing. “Okay, okay. Jonas taught me.”

Isak takes his skateboard and goes to one of the bowls, dropping in and just skating around for a bit. He does a [“blunt to fakie”](https://youtu.be/_sNF3X1vOgE), which always sounded like a fake name to him and always made him laugh. It's a fairly basic skill but Even looks impressed and that's all Isak cares about. Isak could probably wipe out doing a blunt to fakie and Even would still look at him like he'd invented skateboarding. 

“Watch this, Even,” he says, and Even sits on the edge of the bowl (a safe distance from Isak) as he does a [frontside air](https://youtu.be/5CtCkQpiaws). He lands it, which, okay, frontside airs aren't that difficult either but he's a bit rusty and he's never been that good either. “Jonas didn't teach me that one, actually.” Even laughs, giving Isak a thumbs up. Next Isak does a [sal flip](https://youtu.be/bCYtk4UZghc), which he nearly fails at but manages to land. Even whistles at him and Isak laughs flipping him off. 

He does some nose grabs, some [lien airs](https://youtu.be/OkEXthKCIsE), and some other basic tricks. He finishes off with a [superman fingerflip](https://youtu.be/5A5JivgIz_g), and then skates up next to Even. “I'm impressed,” Even says sincerely. “All of that was really cool. I'm amazed.”

“You should see Jonas,” Isak says, out of breath. He helps Even stand up, because it was getting late and the park was closing soon. Even laces their fingers together and they walk back to Even's bike. 

“I had a lot of fun tonight,” Even tells him, when they're both cuddled up in Isak's bed that night binge-watching Stranger Things. “It was really cool to learn all that new stuff. And it seemed like something kind of special to you, you know, since you called it therapeutic.” Isak is about to call him a sap, when Even adds, “And it was really sexy to watch you do all of that cool shit.”

Isak laughs. “I'm glad you enjoyed it. I haven't been there in ages, I'm surprised I could still do the superman fingerflip,” he admits. 

“Baby, I'm a firm believer that you can do anything and everything.” He presses a kiss to Isak's cheek, then his forehead, then his lips. The kisses grow more and more heated, and they're panting into each other's mouths when they're interrupted by Isak's stomach growling. Isak pulls away, laughing softly as he rests his forehead against Even's. “I guess we did forget to eat,” Even chuckles. “Lucky for you, I make the best scrambled eggs. I won't even cook naked this time.” Isak rolls his eyes and kisses Even one more time for good measure, before climbing out of bed and pulling on a shirt. 

Even doesn't bother with a shirt, following Isak to the kitchen. It's pretty late so Isak is positive all of his roommates are asleep, except for Eskild who's just left to go to a club so he won't be back any time soon. So Even stands at the stove and cracks eggs, while Isak stands behind him with his arms around Even's waist and his face buried in Even's back. The older boy is telling him stories about his childhood, and honestly, they're the only thing keeping Isak awake (except for the hunger clawing at his stomach, of course).

Isak is happy that Even had such an amazing childhood. Apart from his struggle with mental illness, and his long-term struggle to get properly diagnosed, he seemed to have so many amazing stories. His Russ from Elvebakken, that he ended up having to leave because he failed his third year. The awesome Russ parties. His family trip to Svalbard that he told Isak about at kosegruppa. Childhood Christmases. His sixteenth birthday that was spent in New York City. The time he met Shaun White. The time he went to Perú to help small towns and villages along the Amazon river that didn't have much food or medical resources. Isak can't help but marvel at the extraordinary life that Even had led so far, with all of the incredible experiences. 

He's a little envious. But not in the selfish, gross way. He's happy for Even. But it does make his heart ache a bit knowing the life he could've had, the sorts of things he could've done, if his parents had cared about him. He used to think they loved him, but had a hard time showing it. But after his Pappa left and didn't take him, that was when he knew. He knew he wasn't loved, at least not as much as Lea. He's envious because he doesn't have any of these cool stories. He has one story of one time he went to Switzerland with Jonas and his family to go skiing, that's it. He remembers Christmas; the screaming, the crying, the smashed presents. He remembers his birthdays; only Jonas coming over because his Mamma had a breakdown at Isak's 7th birthday party and no one wanted to be around him after that. He remembers his summers; spent hiding in his bedroom, with Lea, or alone, hiding under his duvet and crying. He never had his childhood. 

Halfway into a story about the time he went to a cabin in Hemsedal and nearly burnt it down, Even pauses and turns the radio up. “I love this song,” he laughs, and Isak's confused when he hears Gabrielle feed through the speakers. 

“Seriously?”

“Gabrielle,” Even says, like its obvious. 

Isak stares in disbelief. “This is a hashtag, what the fuck?”

“What is?”

“When you've found _mannen i mitt liv_ and it turns out he likes Gabrielle...”

Even gapes, looking around like Isak could possibly be talking about anybody else. “What? Am I _mannen i mitt liv_? Is it me you were talking about?” He asks, grinning wickedly at Isak as he feigns disbelief. 

Isak rolls his eyes. Even is so dramatic, honestly. “That's how the hashtag goes, you know that!” He says, but he can't hold back his own smile. 

“No, excuse me, you said I'm your _mannen i mitt liv_.” Even leans in to kiss Isak, chaste and definitely not good enough for Isak. “Say it again,” Even whispers, his lips teasingly close to Isak's. 

“What?”

“Say it again.”

“ _Du er mannen i mitt liv_ ,” Isak whispers, and Even leans in to kiss him again. Isak wraps his arms around Even's neck, trying to pull him closer. Even fights him every step of the way, pulling back every so often to dance and lip sync along to the song. It's adorable and all, but Isak really just wants to make out. 

“ _Du får meg til a kjøre meg opp, det e ingenting som kan kjøre meg ned. Du får alt til å sprenge i kok, d e ingen andre eg heller gjør det her med_ ,“ Even lip syncs, and Isak can't think of anything but how much he fucking loves. He's never loved anyone before but he loves Even, he knows it now, he loves Even so much. He loves Even as he keeps lip syncing, he loves Even as he presses light kisses to Isak's lips, he just loves so much. “ _Kanskje vi e lett ufyselige men ka gjør det når det'sje lenger e dag. Fem fine frøkner, tre på en rad, dem står aleine men vi gjør det ilag._ “

Isak cuts him off then, leaning forward to crash their lips together. Even lets him this time, allows Isak to lick into his mouth and kiss him until their lips are swollen and bright red. They kiss until Isak has to pull away to breathe, and the song has been over for a couple of moments. He fucking loves Even, so fucking much. 

He cups Even's cheeks, searching his eyes. Even looks so gone for Isak, so on the same wavelength, that Isak isn't even slightly scared when he breathes out, “ _Jeg elsker deg_.”

**Author's Note:**

> kudos & comments appreciated!!!


End file.
